allrighty

I done it!
Made the quantumleap!

A mini-one though.. A let’s taste this quantum-leap-biz type of jump☺
This month I trust on yoga+massage to support me financially and its already giving me so much more...




I love this, I love treating people with the beautiful massage-sequence i was taught beginning of this year.
I love the halfstoned but mega-clear shine in peoples eyes when they come round from the session.
I love the fact I’m given a chance, a chance to spread the yogalove, the bodywork, all of it.
The inspiration that flows, the affirmation I find in little miracles, the way I whistle in the morning, smile on the bike..
The little black book thats filling up with appointments, leaving space in between, before and after for myself. So I can practise, study and relax.
What a blessing..

2 weeks ago I was paralyzed by fear, overwhelming, bellychurning fear, travelling up and down my body in tingles, semi-innocent tingling that made my mind tingle too.
What the hell was I thinking, how would someone like me make it by giving massages+yoga, who am I, do i even want this, are my intentions clear and transparent..
The questioning was bad, the scolding even worse: you’re a loser, stupid, ugly, fat, not a teacher, not a yogi, blablabla, it went on and on and on untill I felt I was better off dissapearing altogether.
And then I send the massage-newsletter anyway, offering my services to pretty much my whole dutch world. The fear tried to take me for a run for a bit and then it calmed down.
The deed’d been done, everyone knew, it was out in the open...the blessing (in this case) of the 'send'button.
And I started to dream away again. First I made it a doom-dream with complete failure, shame, annihilation, told-you-so's and all them beauties. Then I realised: my mind is given to me, my fantastic imagination is too. So if I can use this imagination to look into the future I could use it in a positive way again! And off I went, into lala-utopia-world..

No idea how it’ll work, how i’ll survive, how on earth i’ll fund my asian travels, my rent, food, all the basic stuff. Really to this day I have no idea so again I’m going forward on pure faith. Trust that the universe will provide, that i’m protected, that this is my path,my way.. sounds so simple and is so easy sometimes..not always though..

Now the tingling in my body is from excitement: what if it all works out?!
What if I’m not such a bad yogi after all?
What if people like it and want to come back?
What if....

So if the filmjob comes through I’ll be in the filmset-fallingnet for a bit again in december.
If not I’ll probably keep on giving massage and yogasessions and have a job on the side, delivering christmastrees to peoples homes mwahahaaaa...

Life’s so funny, such a ride..
and there’s such a huge club of fellow-passengers.
So many people around me who are going through the same, fearing the same, sharing and spreading the courage and perseverence.
Shaking off the shackles of our society, breaking through and aiming for the opposite direction then the masses are flocking to, amazing!
Wish me luck!

Funny that I find this so scary to do where I've done it a few times before..
starting to work as an electrician wasnt 'normal' , staying abroad wasnt mainstream, working as a dive-instructor came as a bit of a shock to some, defenitely the ones familiar with my previous waterfear..
Yet this one is different.. maybe cos its the first time I truly make a choice, create a path..

Even when I try to give up and run away, yoga comes peeking around the corner every flipping time.
Now when I feel resistance i practise anyway, or i just dont.
Now when I practise I feel the space that it creates, i feel my lungs expand, feel my spinal column pop where o2 comes in.
I hear my vocalcords produce moaning when i bend sideways, forwards, backwards.
I hear the voices in my head repeating all i need to do that day, all i done yesterday, all i want to do.
But i dont listen, or i do a bit. With less and less judgement. More and more compassion.
Trying to figure out who I am, why I am, finding a way to be at peace with who and why I am..whenever I find out :)

It's only just starting, I'm only just beginning and I know so little, maybe I know nothing...

What I do know is:
the weather here is coming down on us poor people living in northern europe. Wind, rain, cold..
Raingear and a smile keep me dry on the bike.
I feel so utterly over the moon happy that I'm not outside some building, raw-cold face&hands, lugging around heavy lights and stands untill some geezer shouts: wrap it up!!

I'm wrapping it up, pouring another cuppa, snuggling into the warm and fluffy pillows on the sofa and giving thanks..
tons of it..
Thank you!!!
much love and lets shine on!