What is up with time?! I've been back for only a month and I'm fully engaged in time-management again..
Sooo much happens every day, so many adventures, internal and external, that even writing some of it down feels like an extra chore on the to-do-list..
It feels years ago that I was in Esmoriz, engulfed in my daily routine of walking the dogs in the morning, looking at a foggy ocean before anyone else was even up. Checking out the eerie site of the funfair at rest after another night of hundreds of people walking around, attention fully extended outwards to all the spectacle that arises from the funfair in Esmoriz, the town where nothing really ever happens..funny what people choose to divert themselves with..
My friends arriving for a good week of surfing made it possible for me to join in on the holiday-feeling of a surfcamp.
Another girl had arrived to do the chores so I was able to get in the water twice a day every day.
It was so sweet to have them, an old and a new friend, such different girls and so perfectly blending into the camp.
With almost every day massaging and the very physical surfattempt, combined with utter chaos in my mind, my body decided to pull the handbreak, again.. remembering the hole in my foot in Thailand last february..
I'm learning, I really hope I am..
It made me calm down rigourously, cancelling all treatments and barely being able to lead a yogaclass. I was already bitten big time by the surf-bug so I spend a lot of my day grunting and growling that I couldnt get in the water..
When my girls left I had about a week left and I was told it was possible I was gonna stay dry all the way till me departure.
Are you kidding??!!!!!
So I rested, sunbathed, tried to ignore the surfers and focussed completely on healing that shoulder.
2days before I left I decided to just go for a paddle in the morningsession, and then let it rest to see how it'd feel.
It felt shit but i still went in for the afternoonsession and it rocked! I surfed the injury away, I was sure!
So, the day before I left i had a wicked session in the back, pretty much solo cos everyone else was in the foam.
Don't even think it looked cool, but oh my I love it!
The next day was my leavingday so I put my bag in the car in the morningand joined for the surf as we were travelling to a spot very close to the airport-divine timing...
As I laid there I realised this had been the last step in conquering my waterfear. Lying in the same dark wild ocean as where I'd had my boat-incident 17 years ago and feeling that the fear had morphed into a healthy respect for the ocean. Nice result..
A week after returning I had to go and see my fysio cos that shoulderinjury hadnt dissapeared at all, wishfull thinking:)
The only thing he said was: take it easier, your body's very tired. Sleep in, on your days off only do things you really wanna do and go strengthen your upperbody. He said to go to a gym and then smiled sheepishly cos he knows me well..
instead it's swimming a few times a week and surfing as much as logistically possible. And taking it very easy on the yoga..mmm..interesting..
I have to say it was a wee bit of a slap in the face for me to hear all this from my fysio, someone who normally just fixes me..
I need something else to fix me this time, it's been enough, too much and an overload this year and its only the start of october.. Sooo,
I'm taking it easy, as easy as I can, being me, taking time to work on my body and my soul at the same time.
I'll be in Amsterdam for the next few months, and I love it.
Its safe, sweet and easy. Eventhough the weather is turning grey, the nature is far away and to get into the water is a project and a half...
Amsterdam gives me time to spend alone. Other people go abroad to do so, I stay here..
I need it and am blessed to have a few very dear friends around for when I dont wanna be on my own:)
The rollercoaster that started about a year ago has found its climax in complete confusion, spinning, feeling lost, abandoned and alone. I know I'm not but wow, confused..
Who am I , what do I really want, what am I doing here, where's the love??!
Small questions of life:)
I'm determined to find that love again, the lightness and faith. And so I will!
As a balance to the not very interesting film i'm working on at the moment,
Nothing Personal, the film I worked on last year in Ireland is doing extremely well.. 6 prices on the Locarno Festival in Switzerland and 7 nominations already here in Holland! We had the press-premiere last monday and it rocked.
The film is stunning and eventhough I havent had much to do with the creative process I still feel proud.
Tomorrow we'll hear if we're the winners, I put my vote on yes!!
Enjoy the quiet, its always there, surrounded by the noise..
om shanti,
peace out
